I took one pill yesterday. One oxycodon Pill. It didn’t do much for the pain. I’m told that’s how the drug works. It gets you so high you don’t care about the pain. Problem for me is that being disconnected from my body like that flares up my anxiety. So in addition to still being in pain I was also having what feels like heart palpitations. So instead of resting I took my dog for a walk.
After a few hours, thinking that the oxy had worn off, I took a regular dose of Tylenol 3. My evening continued regularly.
After a night of deep sleep and intense dreams I woke up with what I would call visual disturbances akin to those associated with migraines. I’ve had them before, but not like this.
I woke up seeing a grid of purple Dots against a backdrop of ever changing Aztec designs cut out in darks and lights. My rods and cones were being stimulated against my natural experience.
Slowly the colours changed from purple to reds and greens as if the system was checking its colour ranges. Still in a pattern of dots. I could see vague lines between the dots sketched as if to imply a diamond net holding the dots together.
As I was laying there I began to have a sense of my eye anatomy and then my brain. I could feel the different areas of my brain processing both the real experience of seeing the room around me as well as these visual disturbances. I began to have a sense of my ephemeral and energetic being as a separate entity from my physical being.
I began to understand why people take drugs to escape their lives.
My identity meant nothing to my body. It lived outside my body in the electric field created by the cellular processes that amount to being alive. My body is a puppet mastered by my soul.
That’s how it felt anyway…when I was really high.
When I finally got out of bed, after the light show was over, I felt dizzy and estranged from my body. I still do. The lesion for which I am taking pain medications is still present on my corporeal form and to be honest, right now I can’t handle it.
I have had this kind of mass lesion before and it’s incredibly painful. I must say I am at the end of my tolerance of pain. I keep saying that and life keeps giving me more. Like it wants to prove to me that my ability to endure pain is in fact limitless.
I really don’t want to find out what my limits are.
I can understand now why drug addicted people just say what they’re thinking with out a care for social decorum. Why they don’t care about bathing and why they would trade a lung for a chance to get high.
They understand that this living existence is temporary and that at any moment you could depart from the physical realm and be free….so why not be honest?
It makes me wonder my I’m not already addicted to pain medication, then I remember that feeling of anxiety when the pain relief first set it.
I like feeling my body and I want to be connected to it. That is what life is about. That’s why souls get born.
The pharmaceutical companies that push these drugs on us want us addicted and disconnected because it’s easier to turn around and feed us the chemical foods that make is sick in the first place.
Scarey thought. ..a whole population of clear thinking, free willing people. Can’t have that can we?