I want things out of life. Things I thought I would have by now. Things like marriage and a family. A husband and a small brood of rug rats that look like me. Unmistakably like me because I have a dominant gene profile. But I have none of these things. Why I don’t have these things I can Harbour many guesses to. The reality is that I have basically given up trying to find a suitable mate for myself.
The problem here, the really big problem for me, is that I am basically undateable and unmariable. By common social standards.
I expect too much from my male counterparts. I expect everything my mother got from my father and a great deal more because feminism has come so far in the 40 years my parents have been married.
I expect a good man who tells the truth and will love me for who I am and can see past all my numerable flaws. Both physical and psychological. You see I’m a bit damaged.
The men that would fit the bill for me have a plethora of women to choose from who don’t have the flaws I sport and have basically done so already. So why would they choose me?
I have this nagging belief that out there somewhere is my perfect mate. And if I am very very lucky I will find him before time runs out. Or he will find me or we will find each other.
If I am very very very (to the power of infinity) lucky that man is benedict cumberbatch.
They say you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking but I’m far too much of a romantic and way to obsessive to stop looking. That’ll never happen.
In my mind he is always just around the next bend. No matter how I try to distract my self I am always looking for him. I Will know him when I see him.
But I am also kinda depressed at still being alone. I feel as though it isn’t going to happen and if that is the case I want to a stop building my hopes up now.
But that spark of hope can never go out no matter how hard I try to stifle it.
Is there some kind of official “I give up the search” ritual so I can magically have it all come together because I “wasn’t looking anymore” ?
Whatever that ritual is I would very much like to have it happen.
How I feel about relationships is polarized. On the one hand its over romanticized and on the other its a bloody nightmare. Song lyrics playing in my head or a vision of some romantic comedy. Or this, my actual life as it is.
It’s possible that one of my many problems is that I refuse to settle. As much as I don’t look it, I beleive I am worth rather a great deal. Perhaps more than others may think.
Even tho I dont dress for the part I am all kinds of high maintenance. Just not in that fashion designer kind of way.
I am an introvert with an outgoing personality…
Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe my melancholy and if I wasn’t so OCD I could let it go and Not think about it but I am…so I do…