I Am Maximus The Emporer Is My Mental Health.

You remember the Russel Crowe movie Gladiator? Do you remember that last scene where maximus is fighting the Emporer and they both end up dead? Right now that’s how I’m feeling with my symptoms.  Every day. Except nobody dies. I go to sleep at the end of the night and start it all over again the next day.
With all of my adult responsibilities and debts I need to work for I am loosing reasons to keep trying.
If I don’t make changes soon. I fear I will be no more.
I need time to write and be creative. I need time to meditate and ground.
I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning let alone do it with enough time to make something of my day. All I do everyday is work. Other than the absolute bare minimum for taking care of my dog. Work is my whole life. And sleep.
I’m not getting anything out of my life right now. So what is the point.
I’m tired of asking for help from our broken medical system.  I just get referred around from clinicians to doctors to help lines.
I feel as though there is no hope for me.
Going on disability may give me enough money for day to day expenses but not likely and certainly not enough for my debts. Not my student loans. Or bank loans or what I owe in taxes going back 4 years.
Is this what I spent so many years in school for?
To have to go on disability because I can’t handle the psychological emotional and physical stress of modern working life?
How is that fair?
HA!
When life isn’t fair, it’s karma.
Do I deserve all the suffering I’m going thru.
Is this balancing out all the shit I did in some passed life.
I can’t beleive I live in a society that makes me feel as if I’m less than adequate with out my education.  But financially punishes me for getting it.
This place smells like fire and brimstone.
I’m not thriving,  I am barely surviving.

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About Epic Wynn

Artist, Massage Therapist, Fledgling Blogger
This entry was posted in culture, mental health. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I Am Maximus The Emporer Is My Mental Health.

  1. ginnawings says:

    Hang in there, everything will gett better – as crazy as it might sound right now. Sending you Love, Gina

    Like

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