I have realized that most new moons make me want to jump of a bridge. This one I am feeling even more so. I dont want to talk about it but I can’t just let it rot in my guts. I feel so singularly and impossibly alone. So terrible about my very existence that I want to end it in some dramatic and blood soaked kind of way. Being plagued by that kind of impulse is depressing in it self. Having to negotiate with an inner voice that wants to kill you is fucking exhausting. If I could just stab the part of my brain that generates those thoughts that is exactly what I’d do. If my mental health was a gangrenous limb or appendage the medical course of action would be clear. Stupid. Fucking. Brain.
All my energy goes towards stopping my body from convulsing in painful spasms caused solely by my emotional state.
This particular new moon coincides with a holiday that has come to mean disappointment and humiliation for me. There is nothing cheery for me at this time of year except for the forced smiles of my family members who have no idea how I suffer at this time of year.
I swear to god anyone who mentions first world problems is getting a full hex from all the worldly powers I posses. Being depressed and subject to the moon is a human problem. If you don’t beleive in the moon it’s like not believing in gravity or the sun. The moon draws the very oceans how can you possibly think it has not power over you. You are only human.
When the moon is new there is no moon in the sky. Her face turns away from us black and souless. I have nothing to live for when she’s not here.
I question my own stability when I am moved to vent myself publicly in this way. Part of me thinks it’s a horribly bad idea, but that is after all why I blog. To get the awful feelings out of my system. You don’t have to read it or like it or even repsect where I’m coming from. You don’t. But I have to say it somehow. Usually I just drink and cry alot but not this new moon. The internet needs to feel my pain. Maybe you’ve felt it too but had no correlation with the lunar cycle. Maybe somehow I’ve enlightened you and you feel vaguely less alone now.
Breathe. Push it out. That empty blackness that swarms inside you. Scream it out. In your inside voice or into a pillow or off your high rise balcony. Go out to an empty field and scream at the moon that isn’t there. Or just breath. And cry. And let it out in raps breaths.
And get ready for a new lunar cycle free and clear of whatever was building over the last month.
Start fresh and new. Pure and clean. Empty and alive.