In a Forest…Dark and Deep

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Naked Goddess Productions: In a forest, Dark and Deep.

Their website just says this about it…
“Intimate. Intense. Intriguing. Secrets and layers unravel in this modern day Hansel and Gretel  ”

It didn’t take much for me to make a decision, naked goddess? Sure thing. In a forest…can’t go wrong there. I found out last minute it was supposed to be a Hansel and Gretel modern spin. Realized far too late that the term lost in the woods would be used metaphorically alone. I did not know anything about this play before seeing it. Two characters for 99 minutes. That’s a marathon for an actor. All the dialogue coming from just two mouths. It takes a lot to keep an audience entertained for that long. And I was thoroughly entertained the entire time. Thinking that perhaps another character would walk thru the door. Realizing no…it wasn’t needful. Intense frustration, lust, self loathing. All between a brother and sister?

I absolutely love having my own insecurities shown to me on the stage. The sexual tension was scintillating. I would say more…but I don’t want to give anything away. The actors may not have had history but the chemistry was palpable, I didn’t know where to look, did they know they were begin watched? The fifth wall? I was so uncomfortable sitting in the front row! The Havana theatre is a perfect venue for this show, you can’t escape the feelings of these characters. Oh and all the secrets unravel just perfectly. Hints given away at just the right moments. Excellent writing and performing!

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Do You Like To Read?…

I’m gonna need this list for later.

JamesRadcliffe.com

I do too.

Because of the volume of reading I do (around 3-4 books a week) I find a lot of cool stuff.  And when I find something incredible, it is difficult, (actually nigh on impossible) for me not to share it.

To that end I’ve written this post, which is a list of the absolute best of the books I’ve read in the past month or so.

I want to stress that these are not average books.  These are not good books.  These are the books that I recommend to my friends.

The face-meltingly amazing ones.

Ready?

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Time and money and love and loneliness and getting everything you want…

Time is money right?

Ever think about how if you obsess about time…you waste it worrying about things that aren’t happening right then when you could be enjoying an otherwise peaceful walk. If you’re running late every moment passes like eons and you’re sure you’re going to be late and the worry makes every moment painful and take even longer eons. But in reality you always get there when you get there. You can choose to panic and obsess about the passage of time or you can quietly enjoy it passing otherwise unobstructed by pressures or concerns and just enjoy the few minutes to yourself/your own thoughts and generally a great pportunity to accept that life is actually pretty good. Instead of enjoying that moment you make it painful by drawing time slower and slower. Your goal further and further away.

You ever notice that the more you obsess about money…the more you need? The more complicated things get, but in the end…you always have enough for everything you really  need. Food, shelter, dignity…the more coins you want, the more oily and slippery they become. Gliding through your hands. It seems no matter what you can never get ahead? You pay off one bill something new comes up…especially happens when you spend a lot of time stressing about whether or not it will happen. By doing so…ensuring that you have that extra bill or sudden expense. But if you just chill out and relax about money and know that no matter what you’re going to make ends meet because you always do.

 When I first stopped stressing about time, I enjoyed much more of it. Moments of bliss stretching on forever. Knowing the eternal truth that I am going towards where I’m supposed to be going, that I’m on the right path, that all the things in my life will happen exactly when they’re supposed to happen and good things always happen. More good things seemed to happen… when I expected them to. When I dismissed a thing that I could take as a negative as silly little blips on an other wise clear and perfectly calm projection, only good things really do happen.  Soon after making this shift in my attitude, I was making better choices, more and more often. Soon I was sleeping better, feeling more rested and wanting to do more of the things I know I enjoy but when I was too stressed I just couldn’t get the time for. When really I just needed to make the time?

  When I made these realizations so many wonderful changes happened. But, there was still the matter of money. I still found myself day dreaming about…what if I was a millionaire. Crossing the line between fantasy and obsession. Fantasy about living in a highrise with an amazing skyline view and attempting to will the money required to obtain that goal into my life; how much money, when should you have it by, how can I get someone to just give it to me, what if I won the lottery or someone died and I got a big inheritance. Those kinds of thoughts. Money money money by any means is a death trap you’re digging your way to all kinds of negative black holes. Like with time, you obsess about it with selfish malicious intent… bad things happen. Chill out about it…good things happen.

 So why was I so unable to let go of the idea of wealth? Monetary wealth?

I remembered the saying, time is money. And thought about it. Why am I so not obsessed with time any more but still with money? When I think about things now they’re great. And if I died tomorrow it’d be OK. No regrets. But when I think about growing old and possibly not having enough wealth…I get scared. I see how elders are treated here and now. What if when I make it to that age…there is no one there to take care of me? If I don’t have money, I cant even pay someone to take care of me.

 The truth is, I always assumed that things would get better in the future. When I have more money. So I can handle right now, even though I’m alone (unmarried and childless the only two things missing in my life) being alone now is fine. There is plenty of time for those things. And even if I don’t get to have those experiences I’ll still have been open for it and had an otherwise good life.  But the truth is, that beneath all that, I really and truly am terrified of ending up alone. I have not yet accepted it as a possible out come I can live with. Being able to unlock myself in order to see that wall. Had I not seen it I would have just stalled at it instead of willing it out of my way. I am that powerful. I can move on. So close to the obstacle it makes it difficult to under stand the true nature of it. Things go out of focus too close to your view.  Now that I can see how time was simply hiding in money… I can flush that demon out. I can walk right thru that wall. Leave it behind me and continue on my path. I do always get what I want ( I didn’t used to, but I’m changing that now) so that means that I will most certainly connect with my soul mate, the man I’m meant to procreate with. I will have the children I know are waiting on the other side for me to be ready. I will grow old with my partner in life and we will be happy together ( I’m working on changing my attitude about that because of the whole ‘I’ll always be alone’ belief)  when you realize that some of the deep truths that you believe are holding you back and realize you can remove them, you are guaranteed to get everything you want. The deeper I look into myself, the more bad energy I can release. The more truths I can discover the fewer obstacles I can have.

 I can only work on so many things at a time. As I can only take one step at a time. But now I have the tools to do them all. If not the arms. As I unlock my deeper selves. More of my arms become free, unshackled. With each new pair of arms, the more powerful I become. Nothing can remain in my way. When all of my deeper selves are balanced and free and able to mingle with my more superficial selves and I am a whole and healthy person. This Is the ultimate goal. But I’m making leaps and bounds in advancements and I’m not worried about how long it takes because I know it will happen exactly when it needs to and all the things in my life will happen exactly when they’re supposed to. All in good time.

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results of my photo shoot today

In the interest of being original I did some pictures for what I’d like to use for the cover of my book. I’m half way thru editing the first draft. feeling really very good about the work I’ve done.

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20150519_173535 20150519_173544 20150519_174124 20150519_174647 20150519_174155 20150519_174706 20150519_174744 20150519_174927 20150519_175004 20150519_175016 20150519_175025 20150519_175203 20150519_180111 20150519_175828 20150519_175824 20150519_175737 20150519_175618 20150519_175517 20150519_175544 20150519_175011 20150519_174628

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Hey Woman!!

You are entitled to empowerment.
Even if it makes the the dis-empowered uncomfortable.
You know why?
Because even in their discomfort they are learning what Empowered Woman LOOKS LIKE.
Hell Yes! You are entitled to empowerment!
You breathe it in like the first breath after a long suffocation.
Like you’ve been drowning since the day you were born in your mother’s blood.
You are entitled to empowerment!
Yes You Are!
You’ve been suffocating and drowning for too many years.
Take that breath. Suck it in. The vacuous space in your lungs has been waiting for it.
It is pure and clean and gives you the life you’ve been waiting for.
Yes you deserve empowerment.
Yes.you.do.
Go find out what that looks like for you…

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Wow…as usual I dont want to write thru the winter. ..

I could never decide on a phrase or word (s) to get as a tattoo. So I’m thinking of getting one for every letter in the alphabet….in order of course…maybe I’ll take these words and make them a poem

Above all
Breath(e)
Calm
(Day) Dream
Energy(everything)
Fun
Greatful(ness)
Happy
Illumination
Justice
Knowledge
Laugh(love)
Moon
Now!
Om
Possible
Quiet
Relax
Still
Time (tomorro/today)
Universe
Very
Why?
X
Zen
I couldn’t think of a word for X. ..lol

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Honest Submission

I have realized that most new moons make me want to jump of a bridge. This one I am feeling even more so. I dont want to talk about it but I can’t just let it rot in my guts. I feel so singularly and impossibly alone. So terrible about my very existence that I want to end it in some dramatic and blood soaked kind of way. Being plagued by that kind of impulse is depressing in it self. Having to negotiate with an inner voice that wants to kill you is fucking exhausting. If I could just stab the part of my brain that generates those thoughts that is exactly what I’d do. If my mental health was a gangrenous limb or appendage the medical course of action would be clear. Stupid. Fucking. Brain.
All my energy goes towards stopping my body from convulsing in painful spasms caused solely by my emotional state.
This particular new moon coincides with a holiday that has come to mean disappointment and humiliation for me. There is nothing cheery for me at this time of year except for the forced smiles of my family members who have no idea how I suffer at this time of year.
I swear to god anyone who mentions first world problems is getting a full hex from all the worldly powers I posses.  Being depressed and subject to the moon is a human problem. If you don’t beleive in the moon it’s like not believing in gravity or the sun. The moon draws the very oceans how can you possibly think it has not power over you. You are only human. 

When the moon is new there is no moon in the sky. Her face turns away from us black and souless. I have nothing to live for when she’s not here.
I question my own stability when I am moved to vent myself publicly in this way.  Part of me thinks it’s a horribly bad idea, but that is after all why I blog. To get the awful feelings out of my system. You don’t have to read it or like it or even repsect where I’m coming from. You don’t.  But I have to say it somehow. Usually I just drink and cry alot but not this new moon. The internet needs to feel my pain. Maybe you’ve felt it too but had no correlation with the lunar cycle. Maybe somehow I’ve enlightened you and you feel vaguely less alone now.

Breathe. Push it out. That empty blackness that swarms inside you. Scream it out. In your inside voice or into a pillow or off your high rise balcony. Go out to an empty field and scream at the moon that isn’t there.  Or just breath. And cry. And let it out in raps breaths.
And get ready for a new lunar cycle free and clear of whatever was building over the last month.
Start fresh and new. Pure and clean. Empty and alive.

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